Emotionally Breaking Down

I spent most of last week feeling horrendous with my ketones sitting about +2 all week. I worked as hard as I could to stay out of hospital and was both anxious and excited about my 20w scan last Friday [4th March]. The scan went perfectly, nothing was wrong all the measurements were taken, they checked my placenta which is no longer covering my cervix and isn't even low lying anymore [that means I can have another natural birth!] and it was very obviously a BOY on the screen! They put my EDD back by 1 day so I'm now "due" 18th July 2011!

After having to get showered, dressed and leave the house just to go to the scan [which was a necessity!] I started feeling more ill. I progressively felt sicker on Saturday as the day went on. By Sunday I'd had nothing since Saturday lunchtime... when the sickness hits, it hits. On Sunday afternoon I'm starting to worry... it's Pandabear's 2nd Birthday on Tuesday 8th and I do NOT want to be in hospital on her birthday. I check my ketones. +3. It's not looking good. An hour later. +4. It's time to go to hospital. I'm angry but I know it's for the best, I know it's best for little Noodle who has fought so hard this pregnancy.

I phone round to arrange care with family for Pandabear, she's sorted... I made my way down to the hospital for my 6th admission, this pregnancy, in 21 weeks. Fortunately they hooked me up to the IV pretty quickly, a quick bag of Hartmanns will always make me feel better. As I'm now past 20w I no longer get stuck in the gynae ward for rehydration but go to the maternity ward. The bonus being there's free TV, the downside is all the women going through labour at 3am really make it difficult to sleep! I felt really down the whole time I was there, it's getting to me... the Hyperemesis is really getting to me. I keep having to reign myself in from thinking "Why Me?" all the time when I should be thinking "Why NOT me?". It's frustrating, it's stealing the last time I have with my beautiful daughter, our alone time, it's stealing my love of food [after spending my teenage years and beyond with Anorexia Nervosa for 14 years food is still a novelty to me but that's a story for another day!], it's stealing my sanity. I feel like I'm either stuck on the sofa [which now has an indent where my ass has been for 4 months!] watching rubbish daytime TV, or I'm in hospital hooked up to a drip. I almost wish I could do the IV thing myself, it would make my life so much nicer - I feel more alive and more human when I'm getting fluids into my arm. At this point I feel like my words are on longer expressing how I feel, I have recently started reading a blog about another sufferer of Hyperemesis Gravidarum and she has such a better way with words than I do so I'm going to quote part of her latest post here [PLEASE stop by her blog, it really is a great read]:

The emotional battle, though, I feel like I am losing.  Sometimes I think of myself in the past tense.  I used to love to travel.  I used to be an active and involved mom.  I used to love, love, love eating food.  I feel like I am forgetting the person I used to be and I wonder if I will remember how to be that person when this is all over.  It’s harder and harder to get out of bed.  It’s harder and harder to take a shower.  Friday, I just lay in bed filthy.  Mom is doing her best to encourage me and get me moving, but I know she’s frustrated.  Is there such a thing as pre-partum depression?

Let me be very clear.  HG causes depresssion, not the other way around.  No amount of fresh air, getting up and moving around, showering, or thinking positive will make this disease go away.

I don’t feel like a pregnant lady.  I think we HGers have more in common with cancer patients than pregnant women.  Granted, our illness isn’t terminal assuming we have proper medical support.  But with all the stuff we have to deal with: IVs, PICC lines, running out of veins, arms destroyed by needle sticks, central lines, TPN, NJ feeding, and just the intensity and length of the sickness.  It’s not fair.

~ Knocked up, Knocked over blog

I managed to get out yesterday [8th] for Pandabear's birthday. I picked her up from nursery and because it was Shrove Tuesday I made pancakes for us when we came home before Daddy arrived and she was given her presents! Here she is playing in her new Hello Kitty tent with her Peppa Pig wearing her "new" [it's 2nd hand really!] bumblebee Issybear nappy!! She loved it, kept pointing out the bumblebees!!

Put Your Feet Up!

We all know the lifelong debate about who has a stronger pain threshold - men or women. There have been so many studies done trying to establish who can cope with it better, I've watched various studies including one that concluded that men can cope with more pain where women can endure pain for a longer period of time. It never really answers the question though, the real question is "Could a man go through labour"!!! As a women who laboured naturally, using only the birthing pool for relief, I know the true pain of labour and the endurance of it for 14.5 hrs which in the grand scheme of things isn't that long compared to some women. I doubt very much that a man could endure that amount of pain for that long!! But then I'm biased! One man has gone to prove that men are the stronger sex by replicating labour and enduring it - Dr Andrew Rochford. Really he can only replicate half of labour because a lot of the pain is obviously felt by the cervix and muscles stretching to unbelievable proportions which they couldn't replicate!

Although I don't believe the video is wholly accurate on experience exactly what contractions and labour pains feel like, as they are internal rather than external, I think it's definitely worth a watch! They do test their experiment on a mother of 4 to begin with to establish how "like labour" it really is. Go on, put your feet up and have a watch!

Bump & Glam

It seems that everywhere I look right now there is beautiful underwear... beautiful underwear that would not fit my ever-increasing, Earth-sized breasts!! It's not a complaint, I've never had small boobs so when they're a bit bigger it doesn't make much difference. On thing I do find is that pretty underwear does NOT come in big sizes! What makes it worse is that I have a tiny back size - 30 - so it makes it even harder to find something that fits let alone one that looks pretty a the same time!!

It's even more important to wear the right size bra when you're pregnant and try to find one that isn't underwired too as if it is [or if it's too small] it can cause problems for your developing milk ducts. Fortunately when I was pregnant with Pandabear I discovered HotMilk lingerie, time to drool!! HotMilk are based in New Zealand but of course you'll probably find a retailer near you [or there are some online stores] that sell the brand. I honestly cannot fault them, I feel sexy but like super nursing mama all at the same time!!

Another gorgeous brand that I ended up with accidentally is Amoralia who are based in the UK. They have even won a number of awards for their range.

HotMilk She Was Seemingly Unaware set

Bra: Reduced from £34.95 to £26.50 French Knickers: Reduced from £17.50 to 13.00 Both at HappyTinyBabies

Amoralia Black Cupcake Set

Bra: £34.50 Shorts: £15.00 Both from Mummy&LittleMe

Lilly Bliss Midnight Grace Set

Bra: £24.00 Shorts: £14.00 Both from Figleaves

Hopefully you found something to tempt your tastebuds, just remember to always get measured to make sure you're ordering the right size!

Fluffy Bums

I decided that before Noodle arrives that I wanted to delve into the deep, dark world of Fluffy Bums!! Cloth nappies make us think of way back when we were kids and had those awful, shapeless terry nappies held together with a HUGE safety pin. Nowadays the world of cloth is oh so different. There are many different "systems" so you're bound to find one that suits you and you're helping the environment at the same time so you can feel good about yourself! Okay so the terry nappies still exist but they have been updated [although if you want to, you can still get the old style squares!] you can have pre-folded ones or, even easier, fitted ones. The fitted nappies look just like a regular disposable nappy except that it's normally cotton, terry, bamboo or some other nice absorbent material. You then put a wrap, what would have been the dreaded "plastic pants" back in the day, over the top to waterproof it. Still sounds like a lot of work huh?

If that's too much, and you have a little more money to spend, an all-in-one or pocket nappy might suit you better. Especially when you bear in mind that even though they're more expensive than a terry nappy, they are still going to be cheaper in the long run than disposables!!

Rather than me go on and on about something I don't really know enough about I'd rather make sure you get the BEST information. I found it at The Nappy Line. You'll get a wealth of information and help as well as being linked a shop to purchase said nappies.

Now I bought my nappies 2nd hand, there are so many people swapping or selling nappies that either didn't work for them or that their children have outgrown. If this is more up your street and you want to save a few pennies while trying different nappy systems then hit up Cloth Nappy Tree and look in the classifieds section. Not only do they have hundreds of different sizes and styles you'll also find very helpful members who can point you in the right direction if you're not sure about something.

I bought a Tot Bots pocket nappy and a Wee Notions all-in-two nappy [and a bunch more which haven't arrived as I'm posting this!] and tried them out last night and this morning. I even have the great joy of getting a poo nappy which was actually easier to deal with than the disposable nappy as it seemed to smell less!!

Here is my beautiful Pandabear wearing her Wee Notions Taupe Elephants nappy

Hope you enjoyed this short introduction to cloth nappies!! You can look forward to more Fluffy Bums pictures in the near future!!

Put Your Feet Up!

There's nothing better than being able to put your swollen, sore feet up either at the end of the day or, if you're really lucky, before! Having been so ill with the hyperemesis gravidarum I've done quite a lot of putting my feet up, purely because I have little other option. After hospitalising myself, on more than one occasion, from doing too much I've learnt that there's nothing wrong with looking after yourself when your body is working 24/7 to make a little baby! But what do you do when you're lying there playing a sofa bunny? Well I found this darling little trailer to a film documentary called "Babies", it has no commentary and shows the lives of 4 babies from different countries around the world. It features the first year of their life and shows how different things are depending on where we grow up, or where we bring our children up. Seeing this only adds to the excitement of my little Noodle growing inside me!

Bump & Glam

Remind me when this "Pregnancy Glow" is supposed to start? I was sure it was the second trimester but I'm starting to wonder! Mind you, I'm lying like a piece of withered lettuce on the sofa trying to remember what it feels like to be normal after having spent another few days in hospital! Yes, the dreaded Hyperemesis Gravidarum struck again. I actually had a fantastic week last week and though I'd perhaps hit a turning point with this horrendous condition but no such luck. Saturday came and the incessant vomiting cycle started again. More IV fluids and bed rest, which seems to have done the trick... well that and some zofran of course!

While I was feeling fabulous last week I had been checking my e-mails when I noticed one from Schuh... with SALE items! Shock horror! You can never say "sale" to a woman without getting a reaction!! There they were, a glorious pair of brown leather fur-lined boots... and they were FLAT!

Must. Have. Them.

As most pregnant women know, the celebrities in magazines are dying walking around in heels while pregnant!! When every other part of you is uncomfortable you need some little piece of comfort to help you get through the day. So here are some gorgeous flats to help you in your endeavorer.

Schuh Soldier Biker Fleece Boots

Reduced from £75 to £29.95 from Schuh

Schuh Molly Lace-Up Floral Flats

Reduced From £24.99 to £14.95 from Schuh

Office Decades Away Red Leather

Reduced from £62 to £15 from Office

Hopefully now your feet are more comfortable the rest of you will be too!! I do have to add, my boots are so comfortable and cosy, I don't want to ever take them off!!

Healthy Bump

Although I really only craved savoury food when I was pregnant with Pandabear this pregnancy has been the total opposite in that respect. I loveeee chocolate and sugar and sugary things and sweeties! However, I am aware, we need to be a little healthy while pregnant to give our little bundles the best start they can have. I have found it a real struggle, especially with the Hyperemesis, to stand and cook dinner. By the time the evening rolls around I just want to curl into a ball in bed and rest, being pregnant is hard work! So I was greatly excited to find a really healthy soup recipe on Butterfly Food that takes just over 30 minutes!!

I hope Ash doesn't mind me adding this picture, which belongs 100% to her, to this post to show you how mouth-wateringly beautiful it looks

Winter Warmer Soup recipe

So I threw myself into it tonight and made it, all be it mine didn't look as beautiful as hers, it tasted gorgeous! Even Mr BP chowed down on 2 bowls of the stuff [with half a loaf of bread!] and he hasn't eaten all day as he's been feeling ill! It's definitely got that tangy tomato but stuffed with vegetables feeling to it and I totally recommend you pop over to Ash's blog and check out the recipe!

Enjoy!

Blooming Baby

So I shared a few maternity items I'm coveting but what about the all important baby buying! The thing all mothers seem to love is looking at all the teeny, tiny, cutie, kootchie items! How could you not, especially nowadays when online shopping is such a massive thing in most of our lives. How to absolutely drain your savings account in a few hours without moving your giant, whale-sized self from the sofa!

Organic Spotty Green Kimono Romper

£16.49 from Babipur

Buzzy Bee Envelope Top

Reduced to £11.05 from Frugi

Rabbit and Toadstool Bodysuit

£12.99 from Peter And Jane

Fawn Baby Blue

£17.00 from Inch Blue

I love that there are some really nice unisex items out there if you know where to look. The Rabbit & Toadstool bodysuit is from a gorgeous Danish company called Smafolk who make the most stunning retro-inspired items for kiddies. Frugi specialise in organics and do a lot of good work helping charities and trying to look after our environment. Not to mention the beautifully designed leather shoes by Inch Blue for your baby to be the envy of all of your friends, there are so many different designs I promise you will struggle to pin down just one that you want!

Bump & Glam

Most pregnant women I have spoken to just want to show off their bumps and why the hell not!! I have never felt more beautiful [yes, even with the sickness and other ailments!] than I do when I'm pregnant. What better way to show if off than some gorgeous maternity clothes. With Pandabear I held off buying maternity thinking I maybe wouldn't need them when if I'd just bought them earlier I'd have been able to get more wear out of them! So here's a few items I'm coveting!

Asos Maternity Bell Sleeve Shift Dress

Reduced to £14

Asos Maternity 3/4 Sleeve Wrap Top

Reduced To £20

JoJo Maman Bebe Navy & White Mini Dress

£29

I particularly love the mini dress and I think Mr BP would love it too!!

What They Don't Tell You!!

Why does it seem that every other pregnant woman in the world looks glam and is blooming perfect!!! It feels like I'm the only one who gets all the rubbish pregnancy symptoms instead of being one of the glowing, symptom-free pregnant women! Everyone I speak to just glides through their pregnancy with minor difficulty, I promised myself I would enjoy this pregnancy after having a rather difficult one with Pandabear. So far... not so good!

After hitting the Hyperemesis Gravidarum like I ran into a brick wall I was finally stabilised on some tablets which seem to be working! The downside... severe [I'm not talking bad but horrendous!] constipation. I mean a lot of pregnant women get constipation but this is way beyond that. It's been so severe that it's causing muscle spasms... down there! Ouch! I can only compare it to the pain of childbirth it is that severe and I laboured Pandabear without pain relief!! Fortunately I've been given some fantastic anaesthetic gel to help ease the pain but having not been able to sit down for the past two weeks is rather disrupting to my schedule! Fortunately Pandabear is in respite nursery care for three half days a week which makes a BIG difference and I don't know how I would manage without that little bit of rest. I better also mention the wonderful job that Mr BP has done looking after both myself and Pandabear, I really couldn't have gotten this far through the pregnancy without him.

Has anyone else had any strange or awful pregnancy related problems?

Well That's Just Blooming Perfect!

Well things are less perfect as they are blooming! The blooming part is the one bit I've had absolutely no trouble with this pregnancy!

Although it's such a great saying, such a polite way of saying so many things all at once. Whether said seriously and meaning something really is perfect or in a slightly more sarcastic way to exclaim that everything is very much less than perfect! I guess that's more how I've been feeling recently.

After suffering 9 weeks of Hyperemesis Gravidarum [before which I'd never heard of it!] I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. When someone mentions morning sickness I think more of my first pregnancy with Pandabear, I felt rough... sure, but then who doesn't? When I talk about hyperemesis to people and try to explain that it's a severe form of morning sickness I think they only hear the "morning sickness" words and nothing more.

Oh you just need to get up and get on with things, you'll feel better if you're doing something

Really? Feel better if I'm doing something? I've had 4 hospitalisations in the last 9 weeks for IV rehydration through being able to keep nothing down. Hyperemesis is really nothing like morning sickness, I've seen it described as "having food poisoning for weeks/months instead of hours" and I feel that definitely describes it more accurately.

As if my body felt that wasn't quite enough I then started bleeding heavily, threatening miscarriage at 15 weeks, I was told in careful thoughtful terms that if I were to labour they wouldn't be able to save little Noodle. Fortunately he seems to be hanging on in there so far. It's raw knees and crossed fingers for the time being, hoping to get to every milestone and see this pregnancy through.

Hopefully I'll start blooming in a more perfect fashion in the very near future!!