Emotionally Breaking Down

I spent most of last week feeling horrendous with my ketones sitting about +2 all week. I worked as hard as I could to stay out of hospital and was both anxious and excited about my 20w scan last Friday [4th March]. The scan went perfectly, nothing was wrong all the measurements were taken, they checked my placenta which is no longer covering my cervix and isn't even low lying anymore [that means I can have another natural birth!] and it was very obviously a BOY on the screen! They put my EDD back by 1 day so I'm now "due" 18th July 2011!

After having to get showered, dressed and leave the house just to go to the scan [which was a necessity!] I started feeling more ill. I progressively felt sicker on Saturday as the day went on. By Sunday I'd had nothing since Saturday lunchtime... when the sickness hits, it hits. On Sunday afternoon I'm starting to worry... it's Pandabear's 2nd Birthday on Tuesday 8th and I do NOT want to be in hospital on her birthday. I check my ketones. +3. It's not looking good. An hour later. +4. It's time to go to hospital. I'm angry but I know it's for the best, I know it's best for little Noodle who has fought so hard this pregnancy.

I phone round to arrange care with family for Pandabear, she's sorted... I made my way down to the hospital for my 6th admission, this pregnancy, in 21 weeks. Fortunately they hooked me up to the IV pretty quickly, a quick bag of Hartmanns will always make me feel better. As I'm now past 20w I no longer get stuck in the gynae ward for rehydration but go to the maternity ward. The bonus being there's free TV, the downside is all the women going through labour at 3am really make it difficult to sleep! I felt really down the whole time I was there, it's getting to me... the Hyperemesis is really getting to me. I keep having to reign myself in from thinking "Why Me?" all the time when I should be thinking "Why NOT me?". It's frustrating, it's stealing the last time I have with my beautiful daughter, our alone time, it's stealing my love of food [after spending my teenage years and beyond with Anorexia Nervosa for 14 years food is still a novelty to me but that's a story for another day!], it's stealing my sanity. I feel like I'm either stuck on the sofa [which now has an indent where my ass has been for 4 months!] watching rubbish daytime TV, or I'm in hospital hooked up to a drip. I almost wish I could do the IV thing myself, it would make my life so much nicer - I feel more alive and more human when I'm getting fluids into my arm. At this point I feel like my words are on longer expressing how I feel, I have recently started reading a blog about another sufferer of Hyperemesis Gravidarum and she has such a better way with words than I do so I'm going to quote part of her latest post here [PLEASE stop by her blog, it really is a great read]:

The emotional battle, though, I feel like I am losing.  Sometimes I think of myself in the past tense.  I used to love to travel.  I used to be an active and involved mom.  I used to love, love, love eating food.  I feel like I am forgetting the person I used to be and I wonder if I will remember how to be that person when this is all over.  It’s harder and harder to get out of bed.  It’s harder and harder to take a shower.  Friday, I just lay in bed filthy.  Mom is doing her best to encourage me and get me moving, but I know she’s frustrated.  Is there such a thing as pre-partum depression?

Let me be very clear.  HG causes depresssion, not the other way around.  No amount of fresh air, getting up and moving around, showering, or thinking positive will make this disease go away.

I don’t feel like a pregnant lady.  I think we HGers have more in common with cancer patients than pregnant women.  Granted, our illness isn’t terminal assuming we have proper medical support.  But with all the stuff we have to deal with: IVs, PICC lines, running out of veins, arms destroyed by needle sticks, central lines, TPN, NJ feeding, and just the intensity and length of the sickness.  It’s not fair.

~ Knocked up, Knocked over blog

I managed to get out yesterday [8th] for Pandabear's birthday. I picked her up from nursery and because it was Shrove Tuesday I made pancakes for us when we came home before Daddy arrived and she was given her presents! Here she is playing in her new Hello Kitty tent with her Peppa Pig wearing her "new" [it's 2nd hand really!] bumblebee Issybear nappy!! She loved it, kept pointing out the bumblebees!!

Put Your Feet Up!

We all know the lifelong debate about who has a stronger pain threshold - men or women. There have been so many studies done trying to establish who can cope with it better, I've watched various studies including one that concluded that men can cope with more pain where women can endure pain for a longer period of time. It never really answers the question though, the real question is "Could a man go through labour"!!! As a women who laboured naturally, using only the birthing pool for relief, I know the true pain of labour and the endurance of it for 14.5 hrs which in the grand scheme of things isn't that long compared to some women. I doubt very much that a man could endure that amount of pain for that long!! But then I'm biased! One man has gone to prove that men are the stronger sex by replicating labour and enduring it - Dr Andrew Rochford. Really he can only replicate half of labour because a lot of the pain is obviously felt by the cervix and muscles stretching to unbelievable proportions which they couldn't replicate!

Although I don't believe the video is wholly accurate on experience exactly what contractions and labour pains feel like, as they are internal rather than external, I think it's definitely worth a watch! They do test their experiment on a mother of 4 to begin with to establish how "like labour" it really is. Go on, put your feet up and have a watch!

Bump & Glam

It seems that everywhere I look right now there is beautiful underwear... beautiful underwear that would not fit my ever-increasing, Earth-sized breasts!! It's not a complaint, I've never had small boobs so when they're a bit bigger it doesn't make much difference. On thing I do find is that pretty underwear does NOT come in big sizes! What makes it worse is that I have a tiny back size - 30 - so it makes it even harder to find something that fits let alone one that looks pretty a the same time!!

It's even more important to wear the right size bra when you're pregnant and try to find one that isn't underwired too as if it is [or if it's too small] it can cause problems for your developing milk ducts. Fortunately when I was pregnant with Pandabear I discovered HotMilk lingerie, time to drool!! HotMilk are based in New Zealand but of course you'll probably find a retailer near you [or there are some online stores] that sell the brand. I honestly cannot fault them, I feel sexy but like super nursing mama all at the same time!!

Another gorgeous brand that I ended up with accidentally is Amoralia who are based in the UK. They have even won a number of awards for their range.

HotMilk She Was Seemingly Unaware set

Bra: Reduced from £34.95 to £26.50 French Knickers: Reduced from £17.50 to 13.00 Both at HappyTinyBabies

Amoralia Black Cupcake Set

Bra: £34.50 Shorts: £15.00 Both from Mummy&LittleMe

Lilly Bliss Midnight Grace Set

Bra: £24.00 Shorts: £14.00 Both from Figleaves

Hopefully you found something to tempt your tastebuds, just remember to always get measured to make sure you're ordering the right size!